Dealing with assholes and bullies

Growing up, there are going to be difficult people who you will need to deal with even though you don't like or trust them. They may be a classmate, they may be a good friend's parent, they may even be a teacher.

Some of them are going be awful.

Even worse, some of them are going to be deliberately awful.

For no good reason.

Say mean things. Do mean things. Want to fight you. Push you when you aren't watching. Mess with you stuff. Put you down in front of others. Tell others you are stupid. Get others to laugh at you. Write horrible things in the toilets. Gossip behind your back. Exclude you from games or other fun stuff.... the list is endless.

First of all you need to realise that it probably isn't about you. Some people just feel bad within themselves and make themselves feel better by taking that out on others. Regrettably, they often pick on nice kids because they don't know how to manage the situation because they aren't nasty themselves.

But if you find yourself at the receiving end of this nastiness, here is some practical advice to help sort it out.

Also PLEASE come and talk to me and your mum, we can't be there all the time to help, but this stuff can be really tricky to work out by yourself, so getting a bit of help never hurts.

Is it me?

First, it's very important to consider your own behaviour. While you may not have done anything wrong, there may be an action or situation which triggers the bully and makes them want to single you out. Work out what that thing is, and you will start to have more control of the situation.

Once you have that figured out, you need to consider whether you can or should 'tone it down'.

Now, don't get me wrong, some people have a miserable life so it makes them feel better to spread that misery around. If you're in their orbit, then you're going to cop it no matter what. For those types, you can only try to stay the hell away from them - and take a look below for some strategies to manage them if you can't.

But sometimes, we are doing something that we don't realise is annoying or irritating or is making us a downright pain in the ass to be around. When we fail to get the message that our behaviour isn't in line with group expectations, one or more of the group are likely to become much nastier in letting us know we are being disruptive. This is really normal in any group situation, and you need to check yourself to make sure that this isn't what is happening.

Friends can be useful if you ask them about a situation in retrospect - "Was it something I did that made so-and-so say those things". Unless your friend says "Absolutely not - no way!", then they are trying to tell you nicely, that there was something off about your behaviour. TAKE NOTE!

So, if you come to the conclusion that perhaps you were being a bit of a pain, great, you can monitor your own behaviour and make changes in the future. You might have to repair your reputation a bit, but people are usually pretty forgiving if they think you've got the message.

However, if you genuinely think someone is being nasty, you are going to have to develop a strategy to deal with them. Read on.

Guys

Boys tend to be more straight forward than girls. If someone doesn't like you, they are probably going to let you know. If they are trying to make your life miserable, then you need to be ready to stand up to them in the following ways, ideally in front of others:

1. Call them out on their behaviour to start with - "Don't be such an asshole" or something stronger. This sends an early signal that you aren't going to put up with the behaviour.
   

2. You might need to put them in their place verbally - "You might think I'm xyz, but at least I'm not a such-and-such" - you might need to be pretty mean here yourself. And if it comes to this, the meaner and more personal the better. Have a couple of choice put downs to say in case they come back at you. The point here is not that you are mean, but that you can also be mean if they are going to try and verbal you.
   

3. Quite likely, you are going to have to be prepared to stand your ground physically at some point. Guys like to see what you'll do if they try a push you around - do you push back? Do you escalate and overreact? Or do you push back a bit, stand up to them and then walk away?

VERY IMPORTANT

If anyone has a weapon like a knife or attacks in a group - you RUN AWAY. That is not cowardice, that's being smart. The only time you fight someone with a weapon or in a group is when you have to - and even then, you are only fighting long enough to ESCAPE and let someone know immediately.

The last thing to say, is that humour is very effective at defusing and defeating confrontational situations. If you can get people to laugh at the situation and mock the bully if he tries to fight you - it can be highly effective. But it's very hard to pull off, but worth trying if you think you can make it work.

Girls

Girls tend to be insidious when they bully. Very rarely physical, but subtle exclusion of others and a variety of extremely nasty behaviour is the norm - psychological warfare!

As a guy, you can generally pretend ignorance and avoid the worst of this - girls tend to be much nastier to each other. But it's worth remembering which girls have a nasty streak, because it is often a behaviour which stays with them for life (but they become much better at disguising it).

Adults

Occasionally as a kid, you come across an adult who takes a real dislike to you. It can be a bit scary and unnerving - you may initially think you have done something wrong - but you can usually work out if pretty quickly if for some reason they just don't like you.

We really want to come and talk to us if you come across this kind of behaviour - it's definitely something you need other adults to help you deal with. In the meantime, stay away from them as much as you can.