The Status Game

I need to tell you about this game we play as people. Everyone plays it, everyone has always played it, and probably always will. You have already probably started playing it without even realising.

It's call the the Status Game.

What is it?

Status is the social position someone assigns us in their own mind after judging us - using whatever they know about us. And we in turn send out signals which help them to do this.

It's not necessarily a bad thing either. Humans have learned to do this on a pretty instinctive level because we needed to work out how to quickly assess others, so we know how to relate to them socially.

But how is that a game?

Once people know about status, sending out signals to show you should be considered high status can be like a game - but one that is played all the time with everyone you meet (whether you know them or not!).

How does someone signal they are high status?

Here's where things get complicated, because there are lots of ways to show status. In fact, humans are very good at assessing the status of everyone around us by constantly making observations.

Superficially, we may observe how people dress and behave. Some adults flaunt material wealth to show off their status (don't be fooled - many people like to pretend they're wealthy when they're not. It's a common way people pretend to be high status).

But context matters - where did you meet someone? What were they doing? Who were they with? How did they talk? What did they talk about? How are others responding to them - do they like or respect them? How do they treat you? Do you like or respect them?

And different people can assign the same person a completely different status based on the same information. As a kid, you are unlikely to care about adult status signals - but you will really care about who you and your friends think is cool.

So you can see, assigning status is really complex - you just need to realise that everyone does it very intuitively with everyone they meet.

Why bother?

Very simply, humans are hardwired to compete to survive. To start with, humans did this by organising ourselves in extended family groups or tribes. Those who had the greatest status in the group - by playing the most important roles to ensure everyone's survival - were likely to have access to the best resources to secure their family's survival.

Clearly modern society has exceeded these humble beginnings, so why does status still matter?

It's because deep down we are still hardwired to compete for survival, and that means we are still seeking access to the best resources. Except since the late 20th century, it has become exponentially more complex to navigate modern society as it now operates at a global scale.

So what's a member of the modern tribe to do? The answer is to realise that no matter how big the group of people, humans are particularly clever at organising in hierarchies.

Once you know this, if you want to access the best resources, it's obvious you will need to participate in the most powerful and influential hierarchy you can find. The tricky bit is how to join when everyone wants the same thing as you? Can you guess? Yep, that's right: status.

But I'm just a kid, why should I care about status?

That is a really good question - and honestly, it's important not to care too much about this.

Although, you will certainly want a really nice group of friends and you will probably want to have a say in what the group does from time to time. When you want to influence a group, you are going to have to establish some sort of status.

So how do I do that?

The one thing that everyone respects, even as a kid, and that is being really good at something. The adult word for that is 'competence'.

If you can be really good at sport as a young person, that usually has lots of status. Being academically smart comes with kudos as well, but tends to be resented by the less academically gifted. Likewise excellence in music or the arts or other pursuits.

If you really want to have an outsized say with your friends, be really good at a number of things!

What if I'm ok, but not great at stuff?

First of all, you need to have a read about the importance of doing hard things, having guts & determination, and failing.

If after all that, despite putting in lots of effort, you just simply aren't that great at anything your group cares about, then you need to be a little bit clever.

Brainstorm: things you and your group like, but don't do.

Perhaps it's a great sport that isn't played locally - skiing? Perhaps everyone likes music but no one plays an instrument very well? Perhaps everyone likes computer games but no one codes? Everyone likes movies and TV but no one acts in anything professionally? You get the picture...

Then, of all the options, you need to decide what YOU think would be the most fun to do. That's your opportunity to break away from the pack and start to be good at something new.

If you decide to do this, before telling everyone about this awesome new thing straight away, try it out in secret for a while to make sure you really do like it.

Once you are sure you enjoy it, and are seeing results from your new skills, then - and only then - you might consider letting slip what you are doing.

Again, you might decide to get good at more than one thing!

I did all that, and a few of my friends became really annoyed and started saying what I was doing was dumb :(

AH! And here's a bit of a problem you're going to discover when it comes to the status game - most of the time, those who are already established as high status in a group REALLY don't like it when others want to change the pecking order.

In a small group, say a school class, that means when someone tries to move up in status, someone has to move down. They're going to hate that and try to prevent it - which is probably why some of your friends became hostile.

The good news is, whatever you are doing is working - or they wouldn't feel the need to be mean about it. The bad news is, these people aren't really your friends if they aren't happy to see you succeeding at something cool.

Keep going! But there will be an uncomfortable period where you will have to see:

• who is really your friend (they will be the ones pleased to hear about all the great stuff you are doing)

• who can't handle it (you may need to avoid them for a while to see if they can get over it), and

• who seems to like you, but doesn't want to upset the current group dynamic.

It's worth being extra understanding of those in the last group because the nice ones will find a way to be your friend eventually. Sometimes good people take a little bit of time to work out how to choose good friends!